Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Letter to my Mother

This is what I wish I could say to my mother .

Dear Mum,

I am going to say a few things to you about my childhood and how you treated me and I want you to listen and not interrupt.  I want you to understand why I feel we can’t have a relationship anymore.

You have always said that you are a good mother and you raised us the best way that you could but know I am an adult I want to tell you why you are not.

  1. A good mother defends her children and will stand up for them – When we were kids and Dad would go into one of his rages at us you were never there.  You would run away, or you would ignore what was happening and leave us scared and hurt.  You even let us take the blame if the anger was directed at something you had done.
  2. A good mother allows her children privacy – You didn’t.  You opened our mail, you went through our things, you insisted on knowing every detail of our lives.  You would tell everyone you knew our news even if we asked you not to and the worst part was you acted like it was your news.  You would burst into the bathroom when we were using it and insist on using the toilet, you were usually naked.  You would even pick the lock to get in rather than using the one downstairs.
  3. A good mother doesn’t make up stories about her children to get attention.  You told everyone I was anorexic, that I was a lesbian, that twin had psychological problems and that big sis had AIDS – none of which was true.
  4. A good mother doesn’t bad mouth their children’s father to them – you would always start with I would never say anything bad about your father and then we would get 30 minutes of how horrible he was.  I realise Dad wasn’t perfect, in fact he was a nightmare, but you don’t do that.
  5. A good mother takes care of her sick children, she doesn’t act like its an inconvenience to her.  When ever we were sick you always treated us like we were faking it.  If we had to stay home we would be abandoned in a room and told not to move while you went out and saw your friends.  It was worse when you were working.  I didn’t expect you to take time off but I would have liked to be left food or something.  If we took sick when we were out somewhere it was worse. If I had a migraine I would be put in a car and left for hours on end. Once when I had an upset stomach and needed to be taken home you took me to your new boyfriends instead and then wouldn’t even let me use the bathroom.
  6. A good mother takes care of her children’s possessions – she doesn’t throw them out or destroy them or give them away.  We are not talking about things that were done or broken but things that I loved.  My favourite mug would be accidentally dropped and smashed, my cashmere jumper was shrunk in the was, I was told my favourite jeans made me look fat and when I went on holiday you would go through my wardrobe and give most of my clothes away without asking me. When I would ask were things were I was always told I thought you didn’t want it.
  7. A good mother will listen to both sides of a situation and act fairly. You always said you would do this but it just wasn’t true.  Your boyfriends, or second husband were always believed over us even if we had evidence.  You believed your friends before us and you would even favour there kids before us.  Even now you will always take Big Sis’ side before us.
  8. A good mother tries not to favour one sibling over another and treats them all the same.  You don’t, you love to play us off against each other.  You would make big sis and me pay more to the house while letting Twin off with paying nothing.  You would allow big Sis more freedom to go out but when we reached the same age we were denied. You gave lovely presents to me and trash to Twin and then the next year you would switch.  You had your ‘secret’ with me but would gloat about it in front of the other two.
  9. A good mother gives her children appropriate chores to ensure they learn responsibility.  What you did was gradually have twin and I take over all the chores from the age of 9 and up.  By the time we were 13 we were doing all the washing and ironing, cooking all our own meal and doing all the cleaning.  You even expected us to cater your dinner parties.  Yet you would tell your friends that you did everything.  All you did was leave a mess for us to clear up.
  10. A good mother does not unload all her emotional baggage on her children.  From the time Dad left you began to do this. You would talk to us about your love life, your troubles and your medication for hours on end.  It got worse when big sis left home.  You would wake us in the night to talk and would sit on our beds till we listened.  When we went to uni you expected us to call at least 3 times a week so you could talk about you.
  11. A good mother makes her children’s birthdays special – you made our special mum, special for you.  Like the time you turned up to our 18th with your new boyfriend without telling anyone or even asking if he could come, or the time you held a party for us on our 21st to which you invited all your friends and none of ours and then held court in the living room while we hid in the conservatory.
  12.  A good mother does not assume her children are there solely to look after her.  As far back as I remember you have been telling me that you only had kids to look after you.  It must have come as a hell of a shock that we had thought and feelings and desires of our own.

There were times in our lives when you were a good mother, when you took care of us and we had a good time but over the years they have become few and far between.  Now all you want is for us to do everything for you, to cater to every whim and give up our own lives.  You still try and control us and to take what freedom we have.  You never ask but only demand and if we dare to stand up to you or say no then we are punished with emotional abuse and blackmail.  I can’t take it anymore I want to get on with my life and I am going to try and do that but that means I can’t deal with you anymore.  Even if you get help and accept that you have a problem I don’t think you can ever get back to being that good mother which is sadly why this relationship is at an end.

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