So with everything that has been going on you would hope that we could have a break but no of course not.
First Twin has had a rotten cold that has been going on for weeks. She has already had antibiotics for a chest infection and conjunctivitis, but has been left with a cough. In the last few days she has been complaining of pain when she coughed. However this Sunday it got wore and it began to hurt even when she was breathing. Dad and I ended up taking her to the hospital on Sunday night. Turns out she has bruised her ribs by coughing. There is nothing she can do about it but take painkillers and wait it out. She posted what happened on facebook and Mum got in touch to ask what was wrong. Well what she actually said was I know you asked for space but I am really worried whats wrong. The implication here is that Twin is being selfish by making mum worry because its not about Twin being sick but of course its all about Mum. Twin hasn't replied yet and is dreading it.
Next we have been having trouble with the gear box in the car. It has been really tough to get it in gear and we were actually considering buying a new car as this is the end of a long list of troubles with this one. However on the way to work this morning Twin was driving and couldn't get the car into gear at all. She is now sitting with car and breakdown truck waiting to see if it can be fixed. Twin thinks its the clutch cable which snapped before but it might be a misaligned gearbox which would be about £700 to repair, if it can be repaired. Its just one more thing on top of all the trouble we have been having that is just pushing us closer to the edge. I am in work as I type this and I just want to cry. It just seems like nothing is going right just now.
Doesn't help that my horoscope said this today - this is not the best time to move forward - - in fact you may need to struggle a bit just to remain in place!
Just sums everything up!
UPDATE - Turns out its the clutch pedal that's worn. The nice man from the breakdown service tightened its and its fine but we will need to get it replaced at some point
Monday, 28 January 2013
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Letter to my Mother
This is what I wish I could say to my mother .
Dear Mum,
I am going to say a few things to you about my childhood and how you treated me and I want you to listen and not interrupt. I want you to understand why I feel we can’t have a relationship anymore.
You have always said that you are a good mother and you raised us the best way that you could but know I am an adult I want to tell you why you are not.
- A good mother defends her children and will stand up for them – When we were kids and Dad would go into one of his rages at us you were never there. You would run away, or you would ignore what was happening and leave us scared and hurt. You even let us take the blame if the anger was directed at something you had done.
- A good mother allows her children privacy – You didn’t. You opened our mail, you went through our things, you insisted on knowing every detail of our lives. You would tell everyone you knew our news even if we asked you not to and the worst part was you acted like it was your news. You would burst into the bathroom when we were using it and insist on using the toilet, you were usually naked. You would even pick the lock to get in rather than using the one downstairs.
- A good mother doesn’t make up stories about her children to get attention. You told everyone I was anorexic, that I was a lesbian, that twin had psychological problems and that big sis had AIDS – none of which was true.
- A good mother doesn’t bad mouth their children’s father to them – you would always start with I would never say anything bad about your father and then we would get 30 minutes of how horrible he was. I realise Dad wasn’t perfect, in fact he was a nightmare, but you don’t do that.
- A good mother takes care of her sick children, she doesn’t act like its an inconvenience to her. When ever we were sick you always treated us like we were faking it. If we had to stay home we would be abandoned in a room and told not to move while you went out and saw your friends. It was worse when you were working. I didn’t expect you to take time off but I would have liked to be left food or something. If we took sick when we were out somewhere it was worse. If I had a migraine I would be put in a car and left for hours on end. Once when I had an upset stomach and needed to be taken home you took me to your new boyfriends instead and then wouldn’t even let me use the bathroom.
- A good mother takes care of her children’s possessions – she doesn’t throw them out or destroy them or give them away. We are not talking about things that were done or broken but things that I loved. My favourite mug would be accidentally dropped and smashed, my cashmere jumper was shrunk in the was, I was told my favourite jeans made me look fat and when I went on holiday you would go through my wardrobe and give most of my clothes away without asking me. When I would ask were things were I was always told I thought you didn’t want it.
- A good mother will listen to both sides of a situation and act fairly. You always said you would do this but it just wasn’t true. Your boyfriends, or second husband were always believed over us even if we had evidence. You believed your friends before us and you would even favour there kids before us. Even now you will always take Big Sis’ side before us.
- A good mother tries not to favour one sibling over another and treats them all the same. You don’t, you love to play us off against each other. You would make big sis and me pay more to the house while letting Twin off with paying nothing. You would allow big Sis more freedom to go out but when we reached the same age we were denied. You gave lovely presents to me and trash to Twin and then the next year you would switch. You had your ‘secret’ with me but would gloat about it in front of the other two.
- A good mother gives her children appropriate chores to ensure they learn responsibility. What you did was gradually have twin and I take over all the chores from the age of 9 and up. By the time we were 13 we were doing all the washing and ironing, cooking all our own meal and doing all the cleaning. You even expected us to cater your dinner parties. Yet you would tell your friends that you did everything. All you did was leave a mess for us to clear up.
- A good mother does not unload all her emotional baggage on her children. From the time Dad left you began to do this. You would talk to us about your love life, your troubles and your medication for hours on end. It got worse when big sis left home. You would wake us in the night to talk and would sit on our beds till we listened. When we went to uni you expected us to call at least 3 times a week so you could talk about you.
- A good mother makes her children’s birthdays special – you made our special mum, special for you. Like the time you turned up to our 18th with your new boyfriend without telling anyone or even asking if he could come, or the time you held a party for us on our 21st to which you invited all your friends and none of ours and then held court in the living room while we hid in the conservatory.
- A good mother does not assume her children are there solely to look after her. As far back as I remember you have been telling me that you only had kids to look after you. It must have come as a hell of a shock that we had thought and feelings and desires of our own.
There were times in our lives when you were a good mother, when you took care of us and we had a good time but over the years they have become few and far between. Now all you want is for us to do everything for you, to cater to every whim and give up our own lives. You still try and control us and to take what freedom we have. You never ask but only demand and if we dare to stand up to you or say no then we are punished with emotional abuse and blackmail. I can’t take it anymore I want to get on with my life and I am going to try and do that but that means I can’t deal with you anymore. Even if you get help and accept that you have a problem I don’t think you can ever get back to being that good mother which is sadly why this relationship is at an end.
Letter to my Older Sister
This is the letter I wish I could send to my older sister
Dear Big Sis,
I am upset about your recent behaviour in regards to your two older children and their relationship with Dad. I realise that you feel you are justified but I don’t agree and need to explain why.
You have decided that Dad is a threat to your kids and you are actively going out of your way to prevent him from seeing them, even when this means denying your children opportunities and stopping them from seeing their friends. You refuse to see Dad has changed and I hope this letter shows that he has.
I understand your issues around Dad. He wasn’t a good father to any of us when we were growing up. He was constantly angry and we were terrified of him. He would shout and he was violent. He put a lot of pressure on you to do well at school, even when that meant missing out on spending time with your friends. But Twin and I also got a lot of the flak. He and Mum would argue all the time and we all hated that, especially when we got banished to our rooms. We all thought this was normal until we spent time at other people’s houses and saw it was not.
When he and Mum split up we all thought things would get better. You decided not to see him anymore and Twin and I eventually did the same. He was still scary when we saw him and it was too much for us all. What you may not know is that Mum put a lot of pressure on me to do it. She used to wake Twin and me up in the night to discuss our behaviour and she always tried to blame dad. You may have missed it as you spent a lot of time away from the house.
Even though Dad had left there was still a lot of fighting. Mostly between you and mum. Eventually you left for Uni and even though it was in the same town we saw very little of you. However whenever we did see you wouldn’t talk about our childhood except to blame dad. It became very easy for you to blame whatever problem you were having on your childhood.
Eventually you did start to talk to Dad again. Then we all went through a lot of crisis including Mum kicking Twin and me out. Mum was seriously manic at this point and you were having your own problems including a scumbag boyfriend who beat you. We all stayed at Dads at that point and during that time you tried to kill yourself, more than once. I got you help one time and I know Dad had to step in too. All we wanted was to help you but you still tried to blame your childhood for everything and you never got the counselling or support you needed. You acted like everything was fine but it really wasn’t.
Eventually you seemed to have sorted yourself out. You had a job you said you loved and you found a good boyfriend and were getting married
When you did get married Dad paid for it all. I don’t remember you thanking him but you did was complain that he was interfering. When you had your first child Dad was over the moon. He loved that little girl the moment he saw her and it was the same with the second child, he absolutely adores the little boy and would do anything for either of them. He didn’t like your husband but he made a big effort to get on with him and he tried to be the best granddad to both those kids.
Then you started drinking heavily. I knew you had always drunk a lot since high school but then it got out of control. Your husband didn’t know what to do and Dad started to spend more time looking after you and the kids. You would disappear and we wouldn’t know where you were or if you were dead for days. Each time this happened it was Dad who would go to look for you. Twin and I tried to help as much as we could but we still had to go to work. Mum would try phoning but that was all. You lost your job, even though Dad tried to step in and help and eventually your husband said you had to leave. Once again it was Dad who stepped in to help. He found you a house in the same area as your kids and got you moved in. He arranged access to them, but he had to be there as your now ex husband wouldn’t let you have them unsupervised. You thought this was unfair but you had been drinking when you had them and had passed out more than once when you had been alone with one or both of them. He even tried to get you a job but you refused all help there. You would be sober for a few days and then get drunk again.
Eventually you managed to get a new job but you hadn’t stopped drinking.
You coasted along for a while even picking up a couple of new boyfriends but then the drinking got too much and you had to leave that job too. All that time it was dad who looked out for you. He came looking for you, he helped look after your kids, he arranged fun stuff for them when you flaked out on them because you were drinking and he covered for you with them when they needed to know what was wrong. This included when you turned up drunk at your Daughters birthday.
He would even bring you through here when you needed to sober up for a few days. You had to stay at Mums because she had the space but dad would deal with most of the problems. Whenever you had a problems while at Mums she would phone Twin and I to deal with it and she spent a lot of time on the phone to us complaining about you and how she couldn’t cope.
Once again you seemed to get yourself together and we moved on, Twin and I weren’t sure it would last and we were convinced you would soon be drinking again. Still we got on with life and went on holiday only to get back with to a text from mum saying that you were pregnant by a new guy. We were worried but you expected us to be overjoyed, especially Twin. I was upset because I could see you putting another child at risk but Twin was devastated. All she ever wanted was to have kids and here you were about to have another despite everything you had put your other two through. You even had the cheek to get angry at her when she didn’t instantly respond to you.
You had the baby and it wasn’t long before it all started to go wrong. You were travelling between the town were the baby’s father lived and the town were the kids were all the time but you were talking about selling the house dad bought you and moving permanently in with the baby’s father . You expected to get all the money from the sale of the house, even though it wasn’t yours. We all tried to persuade you not to move as you wouldn’t be able to see a lot of your other kids but you ignored us. Then you started drinking again. We started to get calls from the baby’s father saying you were drinking and then Dad would have to find you. You would be passed out and the baby would be looked after by her little brother and sister (both who were under 7). Once again Dad stepped in and looked after things till you sorted yourself out. You finally started going to AA consistently and the baby’s father forgave you. You did decide to move and you were upset when Dad said any money from the sale went to him. You seemed to feel like you were entitled to it even though the only payments you made to the house were through benefits. You started to complain more and more about dad.
The house was sold, mostly due to work Dad and his girlfriend did to clean it up, and then you were living with the Baby’s Father. Dad then began to spend more time with the two older kids. He would look after them after school and contributed to the cost of raising them. He also began to take them during school holidays to help their dad and other grandparents and because he loved them. Never in all that time did I see him treat them the way he treated us. He learned his lesson when we wouldn’t speak to him and he got counselling and managed to change. However you resented the time he was spending with them and began to complain. You couldn’t understand why you ex husband wouldn’t let you see them unsupervised, you had put all your kids in danger and we simply couldn’t trust you. You decided that the only reason the kids were coming to Dad’s was for you to see them. Dad began to let you but he didn’t tell your ex. If your ex husband had known when the visits started he would have not let Dad have the kids any more, so you Father had risked a lot to let you see your kids. The time you had when you were down wasn’t enough for you and you began to complain every time they did something without you, like seeing their friends or even spending time with me and Twin. You repeatedly said that their time was all for you and nothing else was important. Dad tried to be reasonable about it but all he got was abuse from you and from Mum. Mum had decided to the visits were about her and you spending all the time with the kids and no one else. She also began to abuse Dad and his girlfriend in front of the kids and you would join in.
When we all were at Dads you were openly hostile to him and his girlfriend. You would accuse him of shouting when all he was doing was trying to get the kids attention and meals became a battle as he tried to get the kids to eat and you encouraged them to ignore him. Then when it was time to go you would take the kids aside to say goodbye. I don’t know what you said but kids who were only slightly upset about leaving would come back in tears. Dad would then have to spend the journey back to their home calming them down.
So the visits went on and gradually you got to spend more time with them by yourself. However you still wanted to come for every visit they made here. You would rant and rave if they came here and you weren’t told, even if it was for one day. You would blame Twin and I even if we knew nothing about it.
You also managed to upset the kids friends here. Two little girls under the age of 10 who wanted to know why you didn’t like them.
It just got worse and worse and then Dad had the kids down and didn’t tell you. All he wanted was a visit with them without everyone else taking over. He didn’t even tell us. You had seen them the previous week so he thought you would be OK but he was wrong. Then you found out that he was taking them to Florida and you freaked out. It was actually your ex husbands idea not to tell you but you blamed dad. Now you have decided that he is a danger to them and are actively trying to stop him from seeing them.
The only person in this family who is a danger to those kids is you not dad.
You abandoned them when you were drinking and when you choose to move.
You emotionally manipulate them and you treat them as if they are belongings not people. You are now trying to separate them from people who love them.
You need to sort this out. You have to get counselling and talk this through and you need to do this with dad so you can both sort out your relationship issues. I wish you would do this but I doubt you will. I wish you wouldn’t drag me and Twin into this but I know you will. I don’t want to fight with another member of the family but if you don’t stop this I will.
Big Sis – Please get help.
Friday, 18 January 2013
And the fights continue
Last night Twin and I get the following text from Big Sis
There seems to be a divide appearing within our family, mum and me versus you and dad. It used to be that the 3 of us kept our neutrality between our parents but no longer it seems and this makes me sad (note Big Sis only remained neutral when it suited her ends and she would always try to force us to take her or Mums side when it suited)I could give a hundred examples of why I think this but I will keep it to a few. Dad's assessment of mum seems to be the one you have most sympathy rather than mine. Dad's attempt to exclude myself and smallest child from niece and nephew seem to include you. I am sure you will say it has nothing to so with you but you are clearly happy to have conversations with dad which include information that is extremely important to me but you tell me nothing about it (not my place they should talk to each other). The most recent Florida farcial nonsense being one (didn't it occur to either of you just how much risk that would put my children at, you grew up with our father as well!!!)
I know that you both feel that my problem is with Dad and that both of you should remain neutral but I feel completely betrayed by your silences. I honestly hope that I can appeal to you to be forthcoming with me in future and prevent this divide becoming a permanent situation.
My response was as follows - The assessment I have of Mum is based on my experiences with her and no one elses. Before the fight we spent more time with her and had a better idea of what she is like in person as opposed to how she presents to others. As for Dad while I agree he was a nightmare when we were growing up he has changed and I don't think he is as bad as you think, however I know you don't agree so we will have to differ. If i ever thought he was treating those kids badly I would be the first to step in and stop him. The fact that you both can't communicate is not my problem and I am hurt that you think I need to act as a spy and report back on what he says about the kids just because you are both to bloody stubborn to talk to each other. I am not doing it and I will not be made to feel guilty about it. I am not trying to cause a divide between us and I hope you can see my side.
Big Sis responds by ignoring most of the text and just asking why I think dad has changed.
I explain my reasons which she totally ignores and states her case and why she thinks her kids are in danger. I refrain from saying they are more in danger from her than him. She then states that dad has not changed, that the kids are only objects to him (not true, Big sis treats them more like possessions than he does) . She says dad is manipulative and conniving. Also not true, it is Big Sis who is extremely manipulative. He has no empathy - actually Dad has empathy but he does have no sympathy with Big Sis. He cannot forgive her for her behaviour when she was drinking and how she neglected and abandoned her own children. She says he is selfish - when it comes to those kids I do agree he wants to spend time with them and make sure they get to spend time with their friends and he selfishly guards their time so they can do that. Then she says that I idolise him.
I respond by saying that her judgement is clouded by our childhood and how we had to treat her when she was drinking ( she is still very resentful that we didn't just pander to her and that we made the kids a priority over her). I say I don't think that I am going to change her mind but that I will not be made to feel guilty or be abused just because I don't agree with her.
She then says that basically she is right and that Twin and I aren't acting like adults about this and that she hasn't abused me and that I am not to talk to Dad about it.
I respond by saying I hadn't planned to talk to dad bout it and that I am acting like an adult . I also say that just because I don't agree with her accusing me of not being an adult and idolising dad is abuse to me and that it also doesn't mean I don't see the situation.
Big Sis says she was simply explaining her point of view (not!) and she was only asking me to put myself in her place. I say she is not simply stating her opinion, that she is accusing me of not being an adult and of idolising dad. That she is not willing to listen to anyone elses opinion unless they agree 100% with her and that I don't want to talk about it. She then says that accusing me of stuff is not emotional abuse (yes it is!) and what was my point of view ( I think I already stated it). She then says she doesn't want me to spy and then asks me to spy to protect her children's safety and then says that it is me that is ignoring her point of view.
I reply that I do see hers but my original points still stand. That she hasn't listened to me she has just ignored it and said I was blinkered and not acting like an adult because I don't agree with her . I agree that the kids safety is the most important thing but I truly don't believe they are in any danger. I say that I am not talking about it any more as its turning into a major fight and we should just drop it.
She replies by saying the well being and safety and emotional health of my children is a priority of ex husband and myself ( She finally remembers the children's other parent who is happy for Dad to see them and has raised no concerns, and since this is the parent they live with I think we need to take his views into account) . I hope you never find yourself in the position our father put me in (nope because I don't plan to have any kids and I am not an alcoholic who repeatedly put my kids in danger). She then says she is not asking me to spy and then asks me to spy again. I only hope you could respect my position as their mother over someone who has already royally f***ed up their own children. Good night
This just upsets me I mean I know Dad was a total nightmare and I know he contributed greatly to all our problems but so did mum and Big Sis just absolves her of guilt. Also Dad has changed but Big Sis is just so resentful about him that she can't see it and does tend to blow stuff up. She also forgets that she has had a major part to play in the whole situation.
Poor Twin who has been having a reasonable conversation with Big Sis (because she hates confrontation and makes peace for an easy life - sorry Twin but its true) then has to put up with a major rant from me and I breakdown into tears. She tries to fix it with Big Sis by telling her how upset I am and how I am worried she will try and stop me seeing the kids (which was the implication of the first email). She does this without telling me and it actually makes me even more upset because I would not have asked her to do that but its too late and once I calm down and apologise to Twin, it seems a little better The Big Sis sends me picture of littlest niece and I calm down some more.
However the situation between Big Sis and Dad is still ongoing and if Big Sis tries to make me take sides again I won't be backing down but I am unsure of what will happen next.
While I do sympathise with Big Sis I also understand where Dad is coming from and I think they both need to sort this out. I would suggest they have some sort of relationship counselling if they weren't both so opposed to counselling of any sort.
The only saving grace is that Mum has so far stayed out of it and hasn't contacted either Twin or myself.
There seems to be a divide appearing within our family, mum and me versus you and dad. It used to be that the 3 of us kept our neutrality between our parents but no longer it seems and this makes me sad (note Big Sis only remained neutral when it suited her ends and she would always try to force us to take her or Mums side when it suited)I could give a hundred examples of why I think this but I will keep it to a few. Dad's assessment of mum seems to be the one you have most sympathy rather than mine. Dad's attempt to exclude myself and smallest child from niece and nephew seem to include you. I am sure you will say it has nothing to so with you but you are clearly happy to have conversations with dad which include information that is extremely important to me but you tell me nothing about it (not my place they should talk to each other). The most recent Florida farcial nonsense being one (didn't it occur to either of you just how much risk that would put my children at, you grew up with our father as well!!!)
I know that you both feel that my problem is with Dad and that both of you should remain neutral but I feel completely betrayed by your silences. I honestly hope that I can appeal to you to be forthcoming with me in future and prevent this divide becoming a permanent situation.
My response was as follows - The assessment I have of Mum is based on my experiences with her and no one elses. Before the fight we spent more time with her and had a better idea of what she is like in person as opposed to how she presents to others. As for Dad while I agree he was a nightmare when we were growing up he has changed and I don't think he is as bad as you think, however I know you don't agree so we will have to differ. If i ever thought he was treating those kids badly I would be the first to step in and stop him. The fact that you both can't communicate is not my problem and I am hurt that you think I need to act as a spy and report back on what he says about the kids just because you are both to bloody stubborn to talk to each other. I am not doing it and I will not be made to feel guilty about it. I am not trying to cause a divide between us and I hope you can see my side.
Big Sis responds by ignoring most of the text and just asking why I think dad has changed.
I explain my reasons which she totally ignores and states her case and why she thinks her kids are in danger. I refrain from saying they are more in danger from her than him. She then states that dad has not changed, that the kids are only objects to him (not true, Big sis treats them more like possessions than he does) . She says dad is manipulative and conniving. Also not true, it is Big Sis who is extremely manipulative. He has no empathy - actually Dad has empathy but he does have no sympathy with Big Sis. He cannot forgive her for her behaviour when she was drinking and how she neglected and abandoned her own children. She says he is selfish - when it comes to those kids I do agree he wants to spend time with them and make sure they get to spend time with their friends and he selfishly guards their time so they can do that. Then she says that I idolise him.
I respond by saying that her judgement is clouded by our childhood and how we had to treat her when she was drinking ( she is still very resentful that we didn't just pander to her and that we made the kids a priority over her). I say I don't think that I am going to change her mind but that I will not be made to feel guilty or be abused just because I don't agree with her.
She then says that basically she is right and that Twin and I aren't acting like adults about this and that she hasn't abused me and that I am not to talk to Dad about it.
I respond by saying I hadn't planned to talk to dad bout it and that I am acting like an adult . I also say that just because I don't agree with her accusing me of not being an adult and idolising dad is abuse to me and that it also doesn't mean I don't see the situation.
Big Sis says she was simply explaining her point of view (not!) and she was only asking me to put myself in her place. I say she is not simply stating her opinion, that she is accusing me of not being an adult and of idolising dad. That she is not willing to listen to anyone elses opinion unless they agree 100% with her and that I don't want to talk about it. She then says that accusing me of stuff is not emotional abuse (yes it is!) and what was my point of view ( I think I already stated it). She then says she doesn't want me to spy and then asks me to spy to protect her children's safety and then says that it is me that is ignoring her point of view.
I reply that I do see hers but my original points still stand. That she hasn't listened to me she has just ignored it and said I was blinkered and not acting like an adult because I don't agree with her . I agree that the kids safety is the most important thing but I truly don't believe they are in any danger. I say that I am not talking about it any more as its turning into a major fight and we should just drop it.
She replies by saying the well being and safety and emotional health of my children is a priority of ex husband and myself ( She finally remembers the children's other parent who is happy for Dad to see them and has raised no concerns, and since this is the parent they live with I think we need to take his views into account) . I hope you never find yourself in the position our father put me in (nope because I don't plan to have any kids and I am not an alcoholic who repeatedly put my kids in danger). She then says she is not asking me to spy and then asks me to spy again. I only hope you could respect my position as their mother over someone who has already royally f***ed up their own children. Good night
This just upsets me I mean I know Dad was a total nightmare and I know he contributed greatly to all our problems but so did mum and Big Sis just absolves her of guilt. Also Dad has changed but Big Sis is just so resentful about him that she can't see it and does tend to blow stuff up. She also forgets that she has had a major part to play in the whole situation.
Poor Twin who has been having a reasonable conversation with Big Sis (because she hates confrontation and makes peace for an easy life - sorry Twin but its true) then has to put up with a major rant from me and I breakdown into tears. She tries to fix it with Big Sis by telling her how upset I am and how I am worried she will try and stop me seeing the kids (which was the implication of the first email). She does this without telling me and it actually makes me even more upset because I would not have asked her to do that but its too late and once I calm down and apologise to Twin, it seems a little better The Big Sis sends me picture of littlest niece and I calm down some more.
However the situation between Big Sis and Dad is still ongoing and if Big Sis tries to make me take sides again I won't be backing down but I am unsure of what will happen next.
While I do sympathise with Big Sis I also understand where Dad is coming from and I think they both need to sort this out. I would suggest they have some sort of relationship counselling if they weren't both so opposed to counselling of any sort.
The only saving grace is that Mum has so far stayed out of it and hasn't contacted either Twin or myself.
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
And Now for Family Crisis - Mark 2
So just when every thing goes quiet with Mommie Fearest (Mostly cause we are not talking) a new drama emerges to keep us on our toes.
This time its with Big Sister and Dad.
Big Sister is a recovering alcoholic and as such does not have custody of two of her kids. They stay with their Dad. My Father spends a lot of time with them and looks after them one day a week and also has them through to stay with him quite a lot. This also involves them spending time with his girlfriend and her nieces (who are very nice). Big Sis is very resentful of this time as they tend to see more of Dad then her, and see hates Dad's girlfriend. Big Sis also has major unresolved issues with Dad due to his behaviour when we were kids.
Because of the alcoholism and the way Big Sis behaved when she was drinking Dad does not trust her with the kids. Big Sis has been sober for a year, however the last time she managed this she had a major relapse so most of us don't really trust her fully yet (apart from Mum but that is another story).
In the last year Big Sis has taken to invading with her littlest daughter whenever the kids come to see Dad. She then tries to monopolise their whole time and gets upset when other plans are made. Now I realise she is their mother and does have a right to see them but she treats them like property and doesn't accept they may want to see their friends here and do other things.
Recently Dad had them down to stay and didn't tell anyone until the last minute (including me). He thought he would be ok as they had just spent a week with their mother. Big Sis went spare. She wrote him an email about how he didn't care about her and how horrible he was to deny her access to her kids. He did respond and try and refute some of the allegations but Big Sis is rarely willing to listen to him. She usually won't even call him or answer phone calls.
Now it turns out Dad is taking them to Disneyworld at Easter. I knew he was going but thought that the kids Dad had said they couldn't go.
Once again Big Sis has gone off on one. She is saying she will stop him taking them as she has visitation rights that week. She has also told me she is hurt because I didn't tell her about this. Now I explained that I knew Dad was going but that I thought the kids weren't and didn't know that the plans were changed but she still insists she is hurt because I didn't tell her at the time it was a possibility. She has also accused Twin of the same. I have not replied to her because I would lose my temper but Twin just replied - I am sorry for not telling you about something I didn't know about.
If I had replied I would have said that it is not my job to report anything that Dad says about her kids that may or may not happen and that Big Sis and Dad both need to grow up and learn to talk to each other.
So now Big Sis will get to tell her Kids that she is stopping them going on a trip of a lifetime with their friends because she is selfish and wants to see them instead.
She ignored them and neglected them when she was drinking but now she wants all their time and to deny them a relationship with anyone else -solely because she is their mother and they belong to her.
Before anyone kicks off I do acknowledge that she does have a right to see them and that both kids do love her very much but she has to remember that the situation she is in with them now is because of how she behaved and that it is going to take time for all of us to trust her again. She also has to remember that they do have other relatives and friends who also love them and want to spend time with them and that she can't just ride rough shot over everyone solely because she is their mother. They are children not possessions and they have rights too.
We will have to see what happens next but I hope she doesn't deny the kids the chance at this wonderful holiday.
Slight update on this - BIg Sis has now emailed Twin
Twins Response
so far no response from Big Sis
This time its with Big Sister and Dad.
Big Sister is a recovering alcoholic and as such does not have custody of two of her kids. They stay with their Dad. My Father spends a lot of time with them and looks after them one day a week and also has them through to stay with him quite a lot. This also involves them spending time with his girlfriend and her nieces (who are very nice). Big Sis is very resentful of this time as they tend to see more of Dad then her, and see hates Dad's girlfriend. Big Sis also has major unresolved issues with Dad due to his behaviour when we were kids.
Because of the alcoholism and the way Big Sis behaved when she was drinking Dad does not trust her with the kids. Big Sis has been sober for a year, however the last time she managed this she had a major relapse so most of us don't really trust her fully yet (apart from Mum but that is another story).
In the last year Big Sis has taken to invading with her littlest daughter whenever the kids come to see Dad. She then tries to monopolise their whole time and gets upset when other plans are made. Now I realise she is their mother and does have a right to see them but she treats them like property and doesn't accept they may want to see their friends here and do other things.
Recently Dad had them down to stay and didn't tell anyone until the last minute (including me). He thought he would be ok as they had just spent a week with their mother. Big Sis went spare. She wrote him an email about how he didn't care about her and how horrible he was to deny her access to her kids. He did respond and try and refute some of the allegations but Big Sis is rarely willing to listen to him. She usually won't even call him or answer phone calls.
Now it turns out Dad is taking them to Disneyworld at Easter. I knew he was going but thought that the kids Dad had said they couldn't go.
Once again Big Sis has gone off on one. She is saying she will stop him taking them as she has visitation rights that week. She has also told me she is hurt because I didn't tell her about this. Now I explained that I knew Dad was going but that I thought the kids weren't and didn't know that the plans were changed but she still insists she is hurt because I didn't tell her at the time it was a possibility. She has also accused Twin of the same. I have not replied to her because I would lose my temper but Twin just replied - I am sorry for not telling you about something I didn't know about.
If I had replied I would have said that it is not my job to report anything that Dad says about her kids that may or may not happen and that Big Sis and Dad both need to grow up and learn to talk to each other.
So now Big Sis will get to tell her Kids that she is stopping them going on a trip of a lifetime with their friends because she is selfish and wants to see them instead.
She ignored them and neglected them when she was drinking but now she wants all their time and to deny them a relationship with anyone else -solely because she is their mother and they belong to her.
Before anyone kicks off I do acknowledge that she does have a right to see them and that both kids do love her very much but she has to remember that the situation she is in with them now is because of how she behaved and that it is going to take time for all of us to trust her again. She also has to remember that they do have other relatives and friends who also love them and want to spend time with them and that she can't just ride rough shot over everyone solely because she is their mother. They are children not possessions and they have rights too.
We will have to see what happens next but I hope she doesn't deny the kids the chance at this wonderful holiday.
Slight update on this - BIg Sis has now emailed Twin
You knew he was
considering taking them. How else would you know Kids Dad had vetod it in the first
instance?
Thanks for being so
genuine in your apology!
I knew he was considering taking them a year ago but then he stopped talking
about it so I assumed he had changed his mind. I knew Kid's Dad had vetoed it
initially cause Dad told me just
before you called. I’m really not trying to hide anything from you Big Sis, and I
am hurt you would think so is all. I got enough of that from mum last week .
please don’t be cross, just speak to dad
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
I have had enough
So I am at work and my mobile phone rings. Its the Other Mother. She immediately starts crying and insists that I need to come see her now! I ask whats wrong and she says (crying the whole time) that she is till in terrible pain and the Doctor is coming out and I need to come see her. When i ask for more detail she says never mind and hangs up the phone.
I start to email Twin (who can't speak - bad cold, possible infection) and then get a phone call from a member of her team. Mum has phoned them and they are worried as Twin is in meeting can I call her. I explain and then mobile rings again - mum. She can't get Twin and needs me to come out. I explain that I can't get out and that I don't think she is ill. She was fine enough at the weekend to see niece and nephew and to harass Dad. She goes off on one and before I can explain my position the phone is hung up once more.
I then text her Mum if you are not going to be rational then stop calling me. First you had the winter vomiting bug for 3 weeks which isn't possible because it is a 48 hour bug. Then you had that infection and now you are saying that the antibiotics aren't working. Yet they were working well enough for you to see the kids and to harass dad. I don't believe you are physically ill but I do believe you are mentally ill and need help. I am sorry but you need to deal with this yourself and leave us alone
Twin then calls, whispering down the phone, I explain whats happened and what I texted.
Twin sympathises but doesn't want to get caught in the middle which is fair enough. However she does text mum to ask what she wanted.
Twin then gets a call from Mum (who knows she can barely speak). Mum forces a highly reluctant doctor to tell her mum has kidney infection and needs antibiotics. Mum then hangs up. Twin texts her to say thanks for the call but why did the doctor phone as she all she asked was what was wrong, and that she told me. Also that any issues she has with me she needs to take up with me.
Twin then receives a series of texts from Mum blaming me and trying to pull Twin into argument. She also blames Dad for stuff at weekend and says that she never harassed him but asked about his health and stuff. What she did do was phone him and be really nasty to him (he hung up twice) and demand the kids be taken to hers as they only came to see her. She also says that the infection (which was a urinary tract, and then a kidney and now a urinary tract infection) has got worse and this doctor (who has never seen her before) knows everything. Twin texts her back a nice neutral text and then eventually gets a text asking if we want to stick to truce. I text mum and say the truce was before Christmas and the fight then and not about anything that is happening now and that I want no further contact.
Mum asks for what she has done wrong and I give her a list. She then tries to blame Dad and Big Sis for everything and acts like she is the perfect mother (far from it).
While this is all going on Twin is getting texts pressing her to pick a side - she asks for space but Mum keeps pushing. She eventually agrees to give her space, however in the same text she admits to having hallucinations (manic episode anyone).
I eventually text that as far as I am concerned I have no mother and she still has to have the final word - that she doesn't care anymore.
I don't respond. I do text Big Sis and Dad to give them warning of the impending storm.
What happens next - we can only guess
I start to email Twin (who can't speak - bad cold, possible infection) and then get a phone call from a member of her team. Mum has phoned them and they are worried as Twin is in meeting can I call her. I explain and then mobile rings again - mum. She can't get Twin and needs me to come out. I explain that I can't get out and that I don't think she is ill. She was fine enough at the weekend to see niece and nephew and to harass Dad. She goes off on one and before I can explain my position the phone is hung up once more.
I then text her Mum if you are not going to be rational then stop calling me. First you had the winter vomiting bug for 3 weeks which isn't possible because it is a 48 hour bug. Then you had that infection and now you are saying that the antibiotics aren't working. Yet they were working well enough for you to see the kids and to harass dad. I don't believe you are physically ill but I do believe you are mentally ill and need help. I am sorry but you need to deal with this yourself and leave us alone
Twin then calls, whispering down the phone, I explain whats happened and what I texted.
Twin sympathises but doesn't want to get caught in the middle which is fair enough. However she does text mum to ask what she wanted.
Twin then gets a call from Mum (who knows she can barely speak). Mum forces a highly reluctant doctor to tell her mum has kidney infection and needs antibiotics. Mum then hangs up. Twin texts her to say thanks for the call but why did the doctor phone as she all she asked was what was wrong, and that she told me. Also that any issues she has with me she needs to take up with me.
Twin then receives a series of texts from Mum blaming me and trying to pull Twin into argument. She also blames Dad for stuff at weekend and says that she never harassed him but asked about his health and stuff. What she did do was phone him and be really nasty to him (he hung up twice) and demand the kids be taken to hers as they only came to see her. She also says that the infection (which was a urinary tract, and then a kidney and now a urinary tract infection) has got worse and this doctor (who has never seen her before) knows everything. Twin texts her back a nice neutral text and then eventually gets a text asking if we want to stick to truce. I text mum and say the truce was before Christmas and the fight then and not about anything that is happening now and that I want no further contact.
Mum asks for what she has done wrong and I give her a list. She then tries to blame Dad and Big Sis for everything and acts like she is the perfect mother (far from it).
While this is all going on Twin is getting texts pressing her to pick a side - she asks for space but Mum keeps pushing. She eventually agrees to give her space, however in the same text she admits to having hallucinations (manic episode anyone).
I eventually text that as far as I am concerned I have no mother and she still has to have the final word - that she doesn't care anymore.
I don't respond. I do text Big Sis and Dad to give them warning of the impending storm.
What happens next - we can only guess
Sunday, 6 January 2013
And so it begins
So as predicted Mommie Fearest has been getting worse. First there were the random texts which were trying to find out if Twin and I were sicker than her (we have colds) and every detail of our lives which we dealt with, but on Thursday I get a call about lunch time. First their is the dramatic pause for breath then she begins sobbing down the phone. She no longer has the winter vomiting bug but now has an urinary tract infection and is in soooooooo much pain and has been for two days, despite the fact she texted twin to say she was fine the day before. She needs us to go get her prescription. Now the doctor was just at her house and he could have sent the prescription to the chemist but no we have to come and get it, then go to the chemist and then deliver her meds. I agree but as Twin and I are both sick she has to leave it outside her door and we will pick up and drop off the same way. All goes well but I barely even get a thank you.
Next day Twin gets angry text why didn't we tell her niece and nephew were coming. We didn't know so that's what Twin tells her. We hear no more about it. However we get texts the day after saying they had been at her house and had lots of fun and nephew said she was the best Nanny in the world (which I find hard to believe as he always finds her a bit scary). On Sunday we see dad and it turns out she had phoned him really early waking everyone up and demanded that they come and see her because they had only come through to see her. She was apparently very nasty. I would have told her to go to hell but Dad agreed. Dad was annoyed but we all agree she is ill but not physically but mentally.
Twin and I didn't see her but I am not looking forward to it because if she mentions Dad there will be a fight because I will defend him.
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