Paranoia kicks in

After no news from Big Sis since the other mother went into hospital  Twin and I learnt this weekend that she is out.  Twin noticed that she had responded to a post Uncle (mums brother) had put on facebook and quickly checked Mum's facebook account to see what what was going on.

Not only was mum out of the hospital but she was telling her friends that she only went in voluntarily because she was so isolated.  So completely ignoring the fact that she was committed (again).  So once again mum has started to re write what actually happened and will convince herself that it's the truth. 

When we were speaking to her the next stage was to try and push the blame onto us and make us do more and more to support her, while bad mouthing us to family if we dared refuse.  Now we are not speaking to her we are worried about what will happen next.

The first option is that she will continue to ignore us but still blame us to all and sundry for anything bad that has happened, this will probably mean her landing on Big Sis as she is still in contact.  The second is that she will try to re-engage us in her life.  This could start out small with letters/ calls etc or she may try to pull something dramatic like turning up at the house or at work.

The second option is why Twin and I are worried.  She has form for doing this when she feels she is not getting enough attention, like the Christmas were she announced she had been shop lifting or the time she made up a rape allegation.  Even when we were kids she would make up stories about us to get attention from her friends - I was supposed to be an anorexic  and then a closet lesbian and Big Sis was supposedly on drugs and had aids.
None of this was true but it got her lots of attention which is what she is after.

The problem is that Twin and I are now on tender hooks waiting for the big drama which may or may not kick off.  When I cut contact originally she was in and out of hospital for a while, some of the illness was real but not all, but when Twin cut her off we expected something big but nothing happened till Big Sis put her foot down 8 months later.

So for the next month I will be a paranoid mess expecting her to jump out at me around every corner, every phone call will make me jump and white cars like hers will make me want to hide and that's what really depresses me that even after a year she has the power to make me feel like this.

New Year New Start - oh no wait for it

So had a very quiet Christmas and what at first appeared to be a quiet new year, then once again the drama begins.

Get a text on the 3rd from Big Sis - Mum is in local hospital (local to us not big sis) and is about to be transferred to local mental hospital.  She tried to kill herself on hogmanay and then when local crisis team wasn't quick enough to visit she tried again.

Twin replies to Big Sis and eventually more comes out.  Mum took an overdose (not really) of paracetamol and other pain meds and then called someone so an ambulance came.  Then when she wasn't getting enough attention did it again and as a result has ended up back in the place she didn't want to be - the mental hospital.

This is because Big Sis stopped paying her the attention that she wanted and she doesn't have Twin and I to fall back on.  Not enough attention means that Mum does things to get more, like shoplifting or made up rape stories or deciding that one of us has something wrong with us that she needs to tell all her friends/ family like when I was anorexic or Big Sis must have AIDS.

Anyway I didn't respond to text as Twin did so Big Sis uses this as an excuse to try and get Twin back involved with Mum.  Twin refuses (good for her) but the drama continues.

Two days later Twin gets a call from Mum's Neighbour here -  she is worried about Mum.  Twin tells her she is in hospital but doesn't know more cause of the not speaking to her for months.  Twin then ends up trying to arrange access to Mums flat for Big Sis who is coming down from her home 2 hours away to get mum stuff for the hospital.  So despite being no contact Twin still gets dragged in.  Big Sis doesn't get me involved because she knows better.

In the end it turns out Big Sis has come down with her partner and littlest niece.   However despite that she doesn't come to see us, just mum.

Twin gets series of texts throughout the day trying to guilt her into seeing Mum but stands firm.

Then that evening I discover that Big Sis has started a thread about it on a popular forum. Big Sis is all upset that she is having to deal with this and that we are not involved.  She makes is sound like she is the only one who is dealing with Mum and we are selfish cows for not getting involved.  What she neglects to mention is that we have had to deal with Mum and her behaviour since she left home at 17 and we have born the brunt of it for the last 15 years.  She only really had to deal with her for 8 months.  I can't even reply to the thread as I will out myself and it will end in a fight.  It is typical though that she tries to put blame on us ( a trick she has learnt from mum).

So now Twin and I are stuck waiting to here news from Big Sis or the hospital  but not really wanting to know.  To top it off I have picked up a cold and an infection which is making me really miserable and Twin who has been getting so much better in regards to her depression is now feeling quite down again (although she is coping much better than she previously would have).

The scary part is that I have a regular meeting at the mental hospital (for work) and if Mum is still there  when this happens I will have to worry about running in to her there, just to make my job that little bit more stressful.

It is now a case of wait and see.

It's beginning to look a lot like a regular chaotic Christmas

So almost a year ago my mother kicked off in spectacular fashion.  Inventing illness and drama and putting more and more demands on my sisters and I.  It all culminated with twin and I ending contact with mum.  So now we have gone almost a year without contact but the trouble never ends.
When I got home from work last night there was a phone call from the community rehabilitation team in our area looking to confirm our details because they have had a referral about mum.  I tried to phone back but the number I had was wrong and the switchboard had closed for the night.
Oh god I thought its all starting again, but before I settled into full blown panic twin called big sis.  Turns out that mum has started all the things she did last year with big sis.  Mum has a static caravan up were Big Sis lives but has been turfed out for the winter so had to return here.  She was also supposed to have Nanny staying with her.  As soon as she was turfed out she was in constant contact with big sis.  Starting with the usual that she is ill, that Big Sis doesn't do enough for her, that her illness was all our fault, that we are evil daughters.  Then she ramped it up by calling ambulances out in the middle of the night, saying that she had a stroke or some other imagined illness.  Then she would phone Big Sis to tell her.
In the end Big Sis insisted that Nanny went home, as if mum is ill she can't look after her, then mum managed to get herself admitted to hospital and ramped it up even more, look I am really ill you need to do more for me.  Then she did all the things that she did last year to Twin and I to Big Sis.  In the end Big Sis snapped and told her she wasn't taking any more of her nonsense so now she has reduced contact with the other mother too. She hasn't gone completely non contact and is still receiving lengthy texts from her but now she understands what we have gone through.
Big Sis had a year of being mums only contact and has realised how selfish and narcissistic she is.  She even apologised to Twin as she hadn't realised how bad mum could get.
Part of me is elated that Big Sis now realises how bad mum is but the other bit is scared because now mum is back here and back in her flat (Twin checked) and is probably gearing up to ruin Christmas for as many people as possible. She has probably told the community rehab team that her darling daughters will look after her and I am now faced with telling them the truth.

She's Back

So this weekend I found out my mother is back in town.  Turns out she has been kicked off the Caravan site were she was staying near big sis for the winter and has had to come back.
This was found out through an old neighbour of Dad who ran into Dad's Girlfriend at a coffee place.
The neighbour also said that she has decided to sell her flat.  This is apparently because she can no longer manage the stairs because there is something wrong with her back.
The neighbour, according to Dad's Girlfriend, was apparently very sceptical that there was anything wrong with her at all.  As am I.
In the last 6 months she has been telling anyone who would listen that there was something wrong with her ranging from cancer to MS.  Looks like she has decided that its now her back.
Twin checked Mum's facebook and has confirmed that she is telling people that its her back.
She has also confirmed that Nanny is coming to see mum for 3 weeks at Christmas.
Mum wasn't at her flat this weekend but Twin says it was on her Facebook that she was seeing Big Sis.
The problem is that now she is back in town Twin and I are in fear of running into her.  She has always changed things so that every place we go from the doctors to the hairdressers will become her place and it is likely that we will run into her eventually.  However whether she will cause a scene is what we are worried about, because no matter where it is she will try to make us the bad guys.
Twin was also wondering where she will move too if she sells her flat.  She can't move in with Big Sis as her house is too small, but she could buy a bigger house for them to share which would mean we would see less of Big Sis then we do now. Or she could just move nearer Big Sis.  It would be good for us but bad for Big Sis.
It did take her about 5 years to move the last time though so it may be some time before she goes but we will be keeping an eye on the flat and the property guides so if she does sell we know about it.
Twin and I are going to see Big Sis in a few weeks and I can only hope that she won't be there and that Big Sis has the sense to keep her away but its a risk we are going to have to take.
Twin has been having a bad time and doesn't need any more emotional turmoil just now but you never can tell what the other mother will do.

Hot Desking - The results

So this week we moved offices and it was time to enter into hot desk hell.
Luckily for me my arthritis proved useful for once as it meant I have been allocated a permanent desk while the rest of the team have to play musical chairs.

The moving of desks isn't all that bad the team have assured me.  The hot desks that can be booked are at the other side of our large office in a nice quiet area.  When it is their turn to hot desk they happily go over there and relax and get a lot of work done without other staff interrupting or our 1970's manager asking them to do a million and one tasks which he is perfectly capable of doing himself.

The new area however is a different story.  First it is extremely noisy.  We have packed the same number of staff into a much smaller area and the noise is mad.  Its going to take a fair bit of getting used to.

Second we are right next to the tea point and photocopiers which add to the noise but also have the side effect of people walking behind our desks and back to get tea and coffee and to use the machines.  In the past week I have had people walk into my desk, nearly spill drinks on me, and I have slammed my chair accidently :) into a number of people who have just got a little too close.  There are set walk ways but as with everything a lot of people just think the rules don't apply to them.  An email has gone round asking people to use the walkways but there are a few who persist.

One guy has continued to persist in walking behind my desk.  When I challenged him this morning he said it was ok because he wasn't carrying a hot drink.  I mentioned that I had nearly hit him with my chair and asked he not do it again.  This worked for all of 5 minutes and then he was back.  I have taken to saying don't walk behind my chair in a loud voice when ever someone does it but for this guy I am thinking of deliberatly aiming my chair at him every time he goes past (or I could just get my line manager to speak to his)

Well its only been a week and I suppose I shall get used to it but its going to be fun while I do.

Hot Desking - or my idea of hell

I work for local government and this post (rant) is about one of the lovely policies we are now dealing with

We will shortly be moving floors at work.  One of the buildings the council owns is closing and they are moving a lot of the staff here.  Those of us already here are being moved to a different floor to let the new staff move into the lovely basement where we currently reside.  We are glad we are moving away from the cold damp basement but their is a problem.  We are moving to an area smaller than were we are and there will not be enough desks to go round which means one thing - Hot Desking

The whole section ( and we are a large section) is getting 15% less desks.  Our small team which currently has 7 people (we should have 9 but thats a different story) is getting 5 desks.   We are now having to work out how to allocate the desks. Three people have hard drives that can’t be moved around. Four have lap tops which would make it easier for them to hot desk, however one of these has a health condition that means he has a raised desk and special equipment.  In my plan the people with lap tops would be the ones to do most of the hot desking but apparantly this isn't fair and we all need to take turns.  

What is particulary annoying is that we have just gone through an IT refresh and this was the opportunity to give more people lap tops to make this easier - but the powers that be decided not to.

 

As  we get closer and closer to the move deadline and are given very little information about how this will be managed I am getting increasingly worried.

First I do not know if I am getting my own cabinet or if I will be allocated a locker.  The lockers are smaller and it would mean me moving my equipment daily.  As I have arthritis in both knees there are days that this will prove very difficult for me but I am expected to put up with this.

Second we don’t know if the touchdown desks will have hard drives or not so if I am down to hot desk on a day I will need to find a lap top and then carry it to hot desk with my other equipment somewhere in the building not necessarily near my team. 

Third you can only book touchdown desks 24 hours in advance so if you are on leave or sick you may come back to no desk at all.

Fourth we may be able to work from home some of the days but we currently don't have the equipment to do this plus there is an additional cost which we have to cover ourselves (light, heat etc.

Fifth they have offered us compressed hours but the idea of 9 hour days fills me with dread, especially as I have an hours travel both ways.

Sixth and the final (and minor problem) - some people in the team and section are complete pigs and the thought of having to share with them and clean the desk and keyboard and mouse everyday is just gross.

I was originally willing to put up with this as we weren't moving till December and would have had lots of time to plan out the details but the move has been changed to just two weeks away and now we are panicking.  I also didn't want to place the burden of hot desking on the other members of the team because I felt this would be selfish, however as we get closer I have decided  to be selfish. 

I have requested a health assessment based on my arthritis to see whether is would be feasible for me to hot desk.  I am hoping it means that I will get my own permanent desk but because the timescale is so tight it will probably not be done before I move which means I am screwed. 

So in two weeks we move and I will enter the hell of hot desking.  I will be monitoring progress and let you know how it goes

More mother related drama

I realise that I never updated after our dinner with Nanny and Uncle. Twin arranged through FB to meet them for lunch at a nice little place near us. Nanny and Uncle turn up (without Mum - thank god), we have a nice meal and everything is going well. We barely mention mum but have a really nice time.
Anyway after the meal Uncle suggests we go outside for pictures. At this point Nanny grabs me and asks me why I am being so mean to my mother. I try to explain explains that it is not that simple and that Mum has a lot to answer for, but of course mother has poisoned Nanny's mind I explains that she said and did some very hurtful things and Nanny says "She doesn't know what she did wrong" and "but she has apologised". The thing is that she hasn't though. Nanny then tells us we are killing our mother and asks if we will be happy when she is dead.
I can't take anymore and walk away. Which leaves Twin trying to explain to our 88 year old grandmother what mum did and why we had to make this choice. She won't listen though and we can’t make her but Twin stresses that mum was very hurtful and she made Twin very ill and that is why we have made this choice. Nanny ends up in tears we are both in shock.  I do get out of the car and say good bye but it is clear to me that Nanny will not believe us. Since then things have been quiet, however some things have happened that have made us worry again.

The first week I was back at work after the holiday I saw Mum out and about in Town.  I had left work for the day and was heading home when I look across the road and saw what looked like Mum heading down other side of the road.  I don’t think she saw me but I am 99% sure it was her.  She was practically running down the road but it was the same clothes, bag and haircut.  She went into a building and I went on my way. Completely freaked me out and I had to call Twin to let her know what had happened.  When we got home we checked Mum’s facebook (she has never changed the password) and saw that she had been in contact with lots of people, including Dad’s family telling them that she was ill and might have MS and that she may move up to where Big Sis lives.  Ok I don’t believe about the MS (but I was wrong the last time she said she was ill) but the fact she is contacting Dad’s family freaks me out.  She even spins out the old story about how Granda  (Dad’s father) loved her more than anyone else and said she would always be part of the family.   Now I was there when he was supposed to have said this and I know he didn’t.  Mum made it up and was completely manic at the time.

Secondly we are going to a family wedding (dad’s family) in two weeks.  On Friday night Aunt  (the mother of the bride) phones Twin.  She wants Mum’s phone number.  Twin gives it to her but the question remains why she wants it.  I hope to god she is not coming to the wedding because it would be awful.  We are both freaked out by this so the next day decide to check her facebook again.  She has posted a status that she does have MS and has moved up near Big Sis. We check the web but her flat here is not for sale as far as we can see. We also drive round there to take a look – no for sale sign and her car is still there.  Uncle also posts a picture of her near a holiday home in the same place Big Sis goes as well.  This makes me think she is up for a holiday but not to stay.  The weird thing is that Big Sis has not mentioned any of this (the moving or the MS).  She wouldn’t talk to me but I would have thought she would have said something to Twin.  However she also hasn’t mentioned that the parcel we sent littlest Niece has arrived nor acknowledged the birthday card Twin sent to her partner.

This sends Twin into guilt trip and depression.  She is sad because she misses the mum she used to have when we were little who she thinks did love us, rather than the mum we have now who only wants attention and slaves instead of Daughters. I am freaked out because now I will have to deal with whatever happens next and explain to Dad’s family what she was like and why we stopped talking to her.  Also if she comes to the wedding it will be very difficult indeed.  We are both agreed that even if she does have MS it doesn’t excuse her behaviour.  If she does move to near Big Sis, it won’t take Big Sis long to realise what mum is really like.  She always excused Mum's behaviour because as she lived away she didn't get the full brunt of it.

Twin spent most of Sunday night feeling miserable.  She didn’t sleep well and ended up going to work on very little sleep, feeling awful.  I have been having nightmares and I am jumpy and paranoid.  I am just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Which given what is happening in work might be very soon but that is another post.