From the Rage to Sadness

Yesterday I wrote a post all about anger.  I was mad and ready to explode and then at 4pm I heard the news that Terry Pratchett had died.  In an instant my rage was gone and everything that had sent me into the anger spiral seemed trivial and unimportant.

Terry Pratchett was one of my favourite authors.  I started reading discworld books as a teenager and continued to read them to this day.  They have the power to cheer me up no matter how sad I am and are the only books to make me laugh out loud.

My favourite ones are the Guards but I also loved the Witches, Wizards, Death, Tiffany Aching and Susan Sto Heliat.  I was never that fond of Rincewind but the Luggage holds a special little place in my heart.

The first book I ever read was Guards Guards and the dread portal passage is one of my favourites so remember the Significant Owl hoots in the night yet many grey lords go sliently to masterless men and the caged whale knows nothing of the mighty deeps - that's mighty not nightly

Death is not cruel, merely terribly terribly good at his job

The Rage

Today I have the rage

It has been slowly building but I have been pushed over the edge

 

First its Mother’s day soon and I have been bombarded with emails telling me what to by my mother to show her how wonderful she is and Facebook posts asking me to list all the things that make my mother special.  But my mother isn’t wonderful or special, in fact she is a nightmare from which there is no return so for the second year in a row she will be getting nothing at all and I will be celebrating two years no contact.

Second the general election is now only 2 months away so the usual rubbish has started. First we got the Sun publishing a highly sexist picture of the Leader of the SNP Nicola Sturgeon, then we got our very own Prime Minister announcing that he would now debate with Alex Salmond, ignoring the fact that Alex Salmond is no longer the leader of the SNP, that would be Nicola, and is in fact just a candidate for Westminster.

Then this morning I had to watch some total eejit allow his puppy to run out into traffic nearly causing an accident – not once but twice.  All because he didn’t want to use a leash.

Then I caught the article on the BBC about the twatbadger Farage leader of UKIP saying how we should scrap equalities legislation because hey we are all equal now and companies should be allowed to discriminate.  He must be living in a different world to the rest of us.

Finally I had a rather junior colleague try to dictate to me about how I should do some work that wasn’t even my responsibility.  This particular colleague seems to think that she is in charge and the whole world revolves around her and we should bow to her every whim.  She got a rather stern email back but it involved another discussion with management about her behaviour.

I am now off to a lunch time meeting with a difficult person in which nothing will be resolved. 

If anyone hears a loud bang in Scotland – don’t worry that’s just me exploding

Work's Great Idea

Last week mysterious symbols began to appear around my office.  There were four different types and looked like some sort of code from a dystopian future.  They were closely followed by an email from Corporate management to tell us something big was coming and we should all be prepared. 
So we waited and prepared for another rubbish management idea.

Nothing was heard till the weekend and then on Monday morning we all came in to large decorated white boards and markers on every floor - yes corporate has decided that we needed suggestion boards to go along with our new themes of customer first, work together, honest and transparent and forward thinking - oh the excitement.

Now when you put up suggestions boards in a large local government office and let the staff write on them what do you think it going to happen - yes the staff are going to write suggestions but they are not the ones that management are going to want to hear.

Within 30 minutes the board had its first suggestion - stop spending money on rubbish like this when you are cutting costs elsewhere and so it continued.  By the evening the board on my floor was covered and there were only 2 positive suggestions (roast beef monster munch in the vending machines and can we have an ATM).  The rest were completely negative.

But perhaps this was only my floor, nope - a quick tour of the building revealed the following
courtyard, and ground floor almost identical in negativity, third floor a few more positive suggestions but again mostly negative and my personal favourite,the second floor where management lives, one post about how great this idea is followed closely by if you think this is good check out the board on the 1st (my) floor that's were the best suggestions are.

So once again one of corporates bright ideas to get us all involved has only served to further alienate staff and generally cause disharmony - another fabulous idea.

So my challenge now is to think of something to write before the boards get taken down (I give it a week).  I was thinking a picture of the lorax and the following

Unless senior management start to care about staff a whole lot nothing is going to get better its not

Older Sisters partner joins the fray

Been very quiet over the last few months but as always I knew it wouldn't last.
Older sister has been living with her current partner and the father of littlest niece for the last 3 years.  He has stayed with her despite one relapse of drinking and the ongoing drama with the family.  I didn't know him that well as he is usually not there when we visit and Big Sis never really comes to see us.  Big Sis recently told us they are going to get married once her divorce comes through. She even asked Twin to give a statement to her lawyer to support the custody arrangements for the other two kids, basically to say that custody remains the same.  They stay with their dad and Big sis gets visitation rights.
Everything fine so far.
Anyway recently two things have happened.  Thing one its Dad and oldest niece's birthday in the same week. We have arranged a surprise meal for Dad and asked oldest niece and nephew's Dad if they could come.  Their Dad agreed and it was all set.  Twin then gets a call from Big Sis upset because she wanted to change her contact days and wanted them on the day they were coming to us but found out we were having them.  She was upset because we hadn't asked her as well as their dad.  OK so we screwed up and should have asked.  Twin apologies says it won't happen again and explains it for the birthday.  Big sis still a little upset but says ok.  Sorted we think.
Second thing - Twin self publishes a book.  This is a good thing and we are all very encouraging to twin, especially as she has been really depressed and this is something very positive.  Book includes sweet dedication to all nieces and nephew by first name only.
Twin then receives very angry email from Big Sis's partner (BSP), he is angry that littlest nieces name has been included without his permission.  Rather than just asking her nicely to remove it he tells her she has to remove it, accuses her of using nieces and nephew for commercial reasons, accuses her of being belligerent to Big Sis, of hurting her on purpose and of not even knowing littlest niece that well as she has only ever seen her twice. He also accuses Twin of stealing Big Sis' time with her kids.
Twin is upset but emails back to say of course she will remove the name but that is was only included out of love and not for any other reason, that she had arranged to see the kids before Big Sis wanted to change the contact time and that she has sorted that out with Big Sis and its none of his business, and that she has seen littlest niece more than twice in her life. BSP emails back to say that anything that hurts Big Sis is his business and he is glad he sent nasty email.  Twin then has to email to say she would never hurt Big Sis on purpose and that book has been changed.
Twin is very upset,she was trying to do a nice thing for the nieces and nephew and has just got abuse for it.  However if she hadn't included littlest niece name Big Sis would have gone off on one anyway. We think that Big Sis doesn't know he has sent this email but not sure what will happen next.  Big Sis tends to take the side of anyone that isn't in the family over us and may not believe Twin but I can feel a big row brewing over this.
Big Sis may use this as an excuse to isolate kids further from this side of the family.  I am also worried that BSP may try to isolate Big Sis from the rest of us.  Once again she has picked a real charmer.
Once again I am in a rage because trying to do something positive has resulted in nothing but trauma.

Paranoia kicks in

After no news from Big Sis since the other mother went into hospital  Twin and I learnt this weekend that she is out.  Twin noticed that she had responded to a post Uncle (mums brother) had put on facebook and quickly checked Mum's facebook account to see what what was going on.

Not only was mum out of the hospital but she was telling her friends that she only went in voluntarily because she was so isolated.  So completely ignoring the fact that she was committed (again).  So once again mum has started to re write what actually happened and will convince herself that it's the truth. 

When we were speaking to her the next stage was to try and push the blame onto us and make us do more and more to support her, while bad mouthing us to family if we dared refuse.  Now we are not speaking to her we are worried about what will happen next.

The first option is that she will continue to ignore us but still blame us to all and sundry for anything bad that has happened, this will probably mean her landing on Big Sis as she is still in contact.  The second is that she will try to re-engage us in her life.  This could start out small with letters/ calls etc or she may try to pull something dramatic like turning up at the house or at work.

The second option is why Twin and I are worried.  She has form for doing this when she feels she is not getting enough attention, like the Christmas were she announced she had been shop lifting or the time she made up a rape allegation.  Even when we were kids she would make up stories about us to get attention from her friends - I was supposed to be an anorexic  and then a closet lesbian and Big Sis was supposedly on drugs and had aids.
None of this was true but it got her lots of attention which is what she is after.

The problem is that Twin and I are now on tender hooks waiting for the big drama which may or may not kick off.  When I cut contact originally she was in and out of hospital for a while, some of the illness was real but not all, but when Twin cut her off we expected something big but nothing happened till Big Sis put her foot down 8 months later.

So for the next month I will be a paranoid mess expecting her to jump out at me around every corner, every phone call will make me jump and white cars like hers will make me want to hide and that's what really depresses me that even after a year she has the power to make me feel like this.

New Year New Start - oh no wait for it

So had a very quiet Christmas and what at first appeared to be a quiet new year, then once again the drama begins.

Get a text on the 3rd from Big Sis - Mum is in local hospital (local to us not big sis) and is about to be transferred to local mental hospital.  She tried to kill herself on hogmanay and then when local crisis team wasn't quick enough to visit she tried again.

Twin replies to Big Sis and eventually more comes out.  Mum took an overdose (not really) of paracetamol and other pain meds and then called someone so an ambulance came.  Then when she wasn't getting enough attention did it again and as a result has ended up back in the place she didn't want to be - the mental hospital.

This is because Big Sis stopped paying her the attention that she wanted and she doesn't have Twin and I to fall back on.  Not enough attention means that Mum does things to get more, like shoplifting or made up rape stories or deciding that one of us has something wrong with us that she needs to tell all her friends/ family like when I was anorexic or Big Sis must have AIDS.

Anyway I didn't respond to text as Twin did so Big Sis uses this as an excuse to try and get Twin back involved with Mum.  Twin refuses (good for her) but the drama continues.

Two days later Twin gets a call from Mum's Neighbour here -  she is worried about Mum.  Twin tells her she is in hospital but doesn't know more cause of the not speaking to her for months.  Twin then ends up trying to arrange access to Mums flat for Big Sis who is coming down from her home 2 hours away to get mum stuff for the hospital.  So despite being no contact Twin still gets dragged in.  Big Sis doesn't get me involved because she knows better.

In the end it turns out Big Sis has come down with her partner and littlest niece.   However despite that she doesn't come to see us, just mum.

Twin gets series of texts throughout the day trying to guilt her into seeing Mum but stands firm.

Then that evening I discover that Big Sis has started a thread about it on a popular forum. Big Sis is all upset that she is having to deal with this and that we are not involved.  She makes is sound like she is the only one who is dealing with Mum and we are selfish cows for not getting involved.  What she neglects to mention is that we have had to deal with Mum and her behaviour since she left home at 17 and we have born the brunt of it for the last 15 years.  She only really had to deal with her for 8 months.  I can't even reply to the thread as I will out myself and it will end in a fight.  It is typical though that she tries to put blame on us ( a trick she has learnt from mum).

So now Twin and I are stuck waiting to here news from Big Sis or the hospital  but not really wanting to know.  To top it off I have picked up a cold and an infection which is making me really miserable and Twin who has been getting so much better in regards to her depression is now feeling quite down again (although she is coping much better than she previously would have).

The scary part is that I have a regular meeting at the mental hospital (for work) and if Mum is still there  when this happens I will have to worry about running in to her there, just to make my job that little bit more stressful.

It is now a case of wait and see.

It's beginning to look a lot like a regular chaotic Christmas

So almost a year ago my mother kicked off in spectacular fashion.  Inventing illness and drama and putting more and more demands on my sisters and I.  It all culminated with twin and I ending contact with mum.  So now we have gone almost a year without contact but the trouble never ends.
When I got home from work last night there was a phone call from the community rehabilitation team in our area looking to confirm our details because they have had a referral about mum.  I tried to phone back but the number I had was wrong and the switchboard had closed for the night.
Oh god I thought its all starting again, but before I settled into full blown panic twin called big sis.  Turns out that mum has started all the things she did last year with big sis.  Mum has a static caravan up were Big Sis lives but has been turfed out for the winter so had to return here.  She was also supposed to have Nanny staying with her.  As soon as she was turfed out she was in constant contact with big sis.  Starting with the usual that she is ill, that Big Sis doesn't do enough for her, that her illness was all our fault, that we are evil daughters.  Then she ramped it up by calling ambulances out in the middle of the night, saying that she had a stroke or some other imagined illness.  Then she would phone Big Sis to tell her.
In the end Big Sis insisted that Nanny went home, as if mum is ill she can't look after her, then mum managed to get herself admitted to hospital and ramped it up even more, look I am really ill you need to do more for me.  Then she did all the things that she did last year to Twin and I to Big Sis.  In the end Big Sis snapped and told her she wasn't taking any more of her nonsense so now she has reduced contact with the other mother too. She hasn't gone completely non contact and is still receiving lengthy texts from her but now she understands what we have gone through.
Big Sis had a year of being mums only contact and has realised how selfish and narcissistic she is.  She even apologised to Twin as she hadn't realised how bad mum could get.
Part of me is elated that Big Sis now realises how bad mum is but the other bit is scared because now mum is back here and back in her flat (Twin checked) and is probably gearing up to ruin Christmas for as many people as possible. She has probably told the community rehab team that her darling daughters will look after her and I am now faced with telling them the truth.

She's Back

So this weekend I found out my mother is back in town.  Turns out she has been kicked off the Caravan site were she was staying near big sis for the winter and has had to come back.
This was found out through an old neighbour of Dad who ran into Dad's Girlfriend at a coffee place.
The neighbour also said that she has decided to sell her flat.  This is apparently because she can no longer manage the stairs because there is something wrong with her back.
The neighbour, according to Dad's Girlfriend, was apparently very sceptical that there was anything wrong with her at all.  As am I.
In the last 6 months she has been telling anyone who would listen that there was something wrong with her ranging from cancer to MS.  Looks like she has decided that its now her back.
Twin checked Mum's facebook and has confirmed that she is telling people that its her back.
She has also confirmed that Nanny is coming to see mum for 3 weeks at Christmas.
Mum wasn't at her flat this weekend but Twin says it was on her Facebook that she was seeing Big Sis.
The problem is that now she is back in town Twin and I are in fear of running into her.  She has always changed things so that every place we go from the doctors to the hairdressers will become her place and it is likely that we will run into her eventually.  However whether she will cause a scene is what we are worried about, because no matter where it is she will try to make us the bad guys.
Twin was also wondering where she will move too if she sells her flat.  She can't move in with Big Sis as her house is too small, but she could buy a bigger house for them to share which would mean we would see less of Big Sis then we do now. Or she could just move nearer Big Sis.  It would be good for us but bad for Big Sis.
It did take her about 5 years to move the last time though so it may be some time before she goes but we will be keeping an eye on the flat and the property guides so if she does sell we know about it.
Twin and I are going to see Big Sis in a few weeks and I can only hope that she won't be there and that Big Sis has the sense to keep her away but its a risk we are going to have to take.
Twin has been having a bad time and doesn't need any more emotional turmoil just now but you never can tell what the other mother will do.

Hot Desking - The results

So this week we moved offices and it was time to enter into hot desk hell.
Luckily for me my arthritis proved useful for once as it meant I have been allocated a permanent desk while the rest of the team have to play musical chairs.

The moving of desks isn't all that bad the team have assured me.  The hot desks that can be booked are at the other side of our large office in a nice quiet area.  When it is their turn to hot desk they happily go over there and relax and get a lot of work done without other staff interrupting or our 1970's manager asking them to do a million and one tasks which he is perfectly capable of doing himself.

The new area however is a different story.  First it is extremely noisy.  We have packed the same number of staff into a much smaller area and the noise is mad.  Its going to take a fair bit of getting used to.

Second we are right next to the tea point and photocopiers which add to the noise but also have the side effect of people walking behind our desks and back to get tea and coffee and to use the machines.  In the past week I have had people walk into my desk, nearly spill drinks on me, and I have slammed my chair accidently :) into a number of people who have just got a little too close.  There are set walk ways but as with everything a lot of people just think the rules don't apply to them.  An email has gone round asking people to use the walkways but there are a few who persist.

One guy has continued to persist in walking behind my desk.  When I challenged him this morning he said it was ok because he wasn't carrying a hot drink.  I mentioned that I had nearly hit him with my chair and asked he not do it again.  This worked for all of 5 minutes and then he was back.  I have taken to saying don't walk behind my chair in a loud voice when ever someone does it but for this guy I am thinking of deliberatly aiming my chair at him every time he goes past (or I could just get my line manager to speak to his)

Well its only been a week and I suppose I shall get used to it but its going to be fun while I do.

Hot Desking - or my idea of hell

I work for local government and this post (rant) is about one of the lovely policies we are now dealing with

We will shortly be moving floors at work.  One of the buildings the council owns is closing and they are moving a lot of the staff here.  Those of us already here are being moved to a different floor to let the new staff move into the lovely basement where we currently reside.  We are glad we are moving away from the cold damp basement but their is a problem.  We are moving to an area smaller than were we are and there will not be enough desks to go round which means one thing - Hot Desking

The whole section ( and we are a large section) is getting 15% less desks.  Our small team which currently has 7 people (we should have 9 but thats a different story) is getting 5 desks.   We are now having to work out how to allocate the desks. Three people have hard drives that can’t be moved around. Four have lap tops which would make it easier for them to hot desk, however one of these has a health condition that means he has a raised desk and special equipment.  In my plan the people with lap tops would be the ones to do most of the hot desking but apparantly this isn't fair and we all need to take turns.  

What is particulary annoying is that we have just gone through an IT refresh and this was the opportunity to give more people lap tops to make this easier - but the powers that be decided not to.

 

As  we get closer and closer to the move deadline and are given very little information about how this will be managed I am getting increasingly worried.

First I do not know if I am getting my own cabinet or if I will be allocated a locker.  The lockers are smaller and it would mean me moving my equipment daily.  As I have arthritis in both knees there are days that this will prove very difficult for me but I am expected to put up with this.

Second we don’t know if the touchdown desks will have hard drives or not so if I am down to hot desk on a day I will need to find a lap top and then carry it to hot desk with my other equipment somewhere in the building not necessarily near my team. 

Third you can only book touchdown desks 24 hours in advance so if you are on leave or sick you may come back to no desk at all.

Fourth we may be able to work from home some of the days but we currently don't have the equipment to do this plus there is an additional cost which we have to cover ourselves (light, heat etc.

Fifth they have offered us compressed hours but the idea of 9 hour days fills me with dread, especially as I have an hours travel both ways.

Sixth and the final (and minor problem) - some people in the team and section are complete pigs and the thought of having to share with them and clean the desk and keyboard and mouse everyday is just gross.

I was originally willing to put up with this as we weren't moving till December and would have had lots of time to plan out the details but the move has been changed to just two weeks away and now we are panicking.  I also didn't want to place the burden of hot desking on the other members of the team because I felt this would be selfish, however as we get closer I have decided  to be selfish. 

I have requested a health assessment based on my arthritis to see whether is would be feasible for me to hot desk.  I am hoping it means that I will get my own permanent desk but because the timescale is so tight it will probably not be done before I move which means I am screwed. 

So in two weeks we move and I will enter the hell of hot desking.  I will be monitoring progress and let you know how it goes

More mother related drama

I realise that I never updated after our dinner with Nanny and Uncle. Twin arranged through FB to meet them for lunch at a nice little place near us. Nanny and Uncle turn up (without Mum - thank god), we have a nice meal and everything is going well. We barely mention mum but have a really nice time.
Anyway after the meal Uncle suggests we go outside for pictures. At this point Nanny grabs me and asks me why I am being so mean to my mother. I try to explain explains that it is not that simple and that Mum has a lot to answer for, but of course mother has poisoned Nanny's mind I explains that she said and did some very hurtful things and Nanny says "She doesn't know what she did wrong" and "but she has apologised". The thing is that she hasn't though. Nanny then tells us we are killing our mother and asks if we will be happy when she is dead.
I can't take anymore and walk away. Which leaves Twin trying to explain to our 88 year old grandmother what mum did and why we had to make this choice. She won't listen though and we can’t make her but Twin stresses that mum was very hurtful and she made Twin very ill and that is why we have made this choice. Nanny ends up in tears we are both in shock.  I do get out of the car and say good bye but it is clear to me that Nanny will not believe us. Since then things have been quiet, however some things have happened that have made us worry again.

The first week I was back at work after the holiday I saw Mum out and about in Town.  I had left work for the day and was heading home when I look across the road and saw what looked like Mum heading down other side of the road.  I don’t think she saw me but I am 99% sure it was her.  She was practically running down the road but it was the same clothes, bag and haircut.  She went into a building and I went on my way. Completely freaked me out and I had to call Twin to let her know what had happened.  When we got home we checked Mum’s facebook (she has never changed the password) and saw that she had been in contact with lots of people, including Dad’s family telling them that she was ill and might have MS and that she may move up to where Big Sis lives.  Ok I don’t believe about the MS (but I was wrong the last time she said she was ill) but the fact she is contacting Dad’s family freaks me out.  She even spins out the old story about how Granda  (Dad’s father) loved her more than anyone else and said she would always be part of the family.   Now I was there when he was supposed to have said this and I know he didn’t.  Mum made it up and was completely manic at the time.

Secondly we are going to a family wedding (dad’s family) in two weeks.  On Friday night Aunt  (the mother of the bride) phones Twin.  She wants Mum’s phone number.  Twin gives it to her but the question remains why she wants it.  I hope to god she is not coming to the wedding because it would be awful.  We are both freaked out by this so the next day decide to check her facebook again.  She has posted a status that she does have MS and has moved up near Big Sis. We check the web but her flat here is not for sale as far as we can see. We also drive round there to take a look – no for sale sign and her car is still there.  Uncle also posts a picture of her near a holiday home in the same place Big Sis goes as well.  This makes me think she is up for a holiday but not to stay.  The weird thing is that Big Sis has not mentioned any of this (the moving or the MS).  She wouldn’t talk to me but I would have thought she would have said something to Twin.  However she also hasn’t mentioned that the parcel we sent littlest Niece has arrived nor acknowledged the birthday card Twin sent to her partner.

This sends Twin into guilt trip and depression.  She is sad because she misses the mum she used to have when we were little who she thinks did love us, rather than the mum we have now who only wants attention and slaves instead of Daughters. I am freaked out because now I will have to deal with whatever happens next and explain to Dad’s family what she was like and why we stopped talking to her.  Also if she comes to the wedding it will be very difficult indeed.  We are both agreed that even if she does have MS it doesn’t excuse her behaviour.  If she does move to near Big Sis, it won’t take Big Sis long to realise what mum is really like.  She always excused Mum's behaviour because as she lived away she didn't get the full brunt of it.

Twin spent most of Sunday night feeling miserable.  She didn’t sleep well and ended up going to work on very little sleep, feeling awful.  I have been having nightmares and I am jumpy and paranoid.  I am just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Which given what is happening in work might be very soon but that is another post.

And she's back - briefly

So on Friday night both the Twin and I had dreams involving our mother and grandmother.  Both involved Mum stalking us in some way and with us trying to get away.  Turns out these dreams were quite prophetic.
While we are out on Saturday Twin receives a text from mum - text reads as follows "Hi Twin Your Uncle is bringing up your Grandmother on Thursday and they are staying a while.  he will be chauffeuring her around as I can't drive.  They would like to see you perhaps on Saturday.  Contact me so that we can arrange something"
Its like nothing has ever happened.  Like I haven't stopped talking to her for 6 months and Twin for 3.  We are both freaked out and for a while can't decide what to do but eventually decide not to respond straight away. First this gives us a chance to calm down and second it takes away control from mum.  If we had responded straight away she would assume its ok to talk to us all the time and we would be bombarded with messages (has happened in past).
Looking at the text we see its about control, she wants to control the situation with Grandmother and Uncle so all communication has to go through her. We do want to see Grandmother and Uncle though so next day Twin Texts back that we will contact Uncle through Facebook and arrange something. This gives us control and means she will only know about plans if Uncle chooses to tell her.  Twin contacts Uncle and we agree to see them on Saturday but don't agree venue yet.
No further contact from the other mother so far.
Now there are a couple of things to consider, assuming Mum has told Nanny and Uncle about the situation we may have to deal with them harassing us to start contact with Mum.  If she has told them I can assume she has painted us in a bad light and will not have told them the truth. I think we are just going to have to say they don't know the whole situation and that we don't want to go into it and if they won't stop talking about it then we will leave.
However if mum hasn't told them anything we may have to explain that we are no contact with mum which is going to be tricky.
The other problem is that Mum may show up at the venue (when we decide were it is) and at that point I will be out of there and taking Twin with me.
I am hoping that none of these things will happen but I realise that is slightly deluded but I am not looking forward to seeing them because of this and that makes me sad.
It has also made me realise that there are things about mum that I don't miss.
I don't miss her attempts to disrupt my life every time something good happens - like the bombshells she would drop directly before or just after every holiday.
I don't miss her treating me like a servant
I don't miss being scared to tell her I had a day off as she would assume that it was so she could order me about.
I don't miss having to watch what I put on face book because she would demand every detail
I don't miss her attempts to control my life
I don't miss watching her emotionally drain my sister to the point of exhaustion and depression
I don't miss the lies and her attempts to change history in her favour
I don't miss the passive aggressive tactics and the little put downs she would slip into conversation to make us feel bad
I don't miss the 'accidental' destruction of my favourite things or the clothes that she would give away
to be honest I don't miss my mother.

Bus journey and sexism

I am not particularly fond of bus travel but its my way to work and back  however I had my worst bus journey in a long time yesterday in a long while and not for the usual reasons (crowing, bags on seats ect)

 Got on a bus at my usual stop but itwas quite crowded so I sat next to another woman who looked to be late twenties.  There were two teenage boys behind us, around 16 or so.  The boys were quite vocal, swearing quite a lot and playing off against each other. After a little bit is became clear they were eyeing me and this other women up.  Kept leaning forward and looking us up and down.  I was slightly creeped out but decided to ignore them.  Woman next to me was clutching her phone and texting. 

The seat in front becomes free so I move too it.  Within 2 minutes one of the boys sits down next to me.  Legs akimbo as guys seem to do and and tucked between over his groin.  Hands then become crossed but with the palms at breast level, that is at my breast level.  I start to plan what to do in case he goes for a grope.  I am steadfastly ignoring him but he is inching ever closer and his leg keeps slightly brushing mine. 

He then starts a conversation with his mate two seats behind.  Points over me, not touching and says I’d do that one pointing at a car but looking at me, then is mate says I’d do the one behind clearly referring to the women behind me.  I am seriously freaked out now and am pretty much ready to yell and punch if he tries anything.  Also worried about woman behind me.  He sits there for a while longer and then eventually gets up and moves back to his mate. 

The woman behind takes a phone call in this time and its clear she has arranged someone to meet her at the bus stop, so she is obviously disturbed too.

I eventually get up to get off and when I look up both boys are smirking at me and nudging each other.  I even stop and check when I get off to make sure they didn’t follow me. Now he didn’t touch me or even say anything directly to me but the whole experience freaked me out so much I was nearly in tears. I also felt I couldn’t say anything to them because it was so subtle and people would think me strange.   The fact that these two boys thought it was ok to do this to women and that we had to put up with it for fear of being labelled crazy or hormonal just makes me weep. 

I went home and shared this story on the everyday sexism website but I didn’t share it on facebook or twitter because I didn’t want to face people saying I was making a fuss or trying to shift the blame onto me.  Most of my friends wouldn’t do this but some of my family would and I didn’t want to have to deal with that on top of everything else.

The attitude of these boys is the attitude of a lot of people in society and this is the sort of thing we need to fight back against.  This is why I support the everyday sexism project and why I am a feminist. If anyone reads this I strongly suggest that you go look up the everyday sexism website to see what women have to put up with on a daily basis and if you ever see anything like this happening to a woman or to a man and think they need help - please help and show these people that their behaviour is not acceptable.

Annoying Manager

So after all my good intentions about writing here about the things going on in my life  - not just the drama I haven't written a single post since March.  However I now have something to write about and its not my mother (no contact since Christmas).

The subject of today’s post the annoying manager.
I work for local government (not saying where or what I do).  The team I am in has seven members of staff at my level and two managers. The seven staff members are all intelligent people with the ability to manage our own workload and do what needs to be done with very little supervision. 
The first manager, who has been here the longest. knows the team back to front, knows everything we do and is very supportive.  However he is also not afraid to give us a hard time if needed and to be fair sometimes we need it.
The second manager has only been with the team 2.5 years.  He was moved from another section, supposedly on a temporary basis, where he was surplus to requirements (first warning something was wrong).  We have been stuck with him since and it looks like he may now be here for permanently.  Since he arrived he has been nothing but trouble. He hasn't learnt anything about how the team works, the processes for what we do or even how we file things. Despite being a manager he refuses to make a decision about anything and tries to get us as staff to do it for him so if anything goes wrong he can blame us. He puts the wrong information in reports and then delegates it to someone else to fix, usually at the last minute and usually when they have something else that needs doing, then continues to pressure them to do the work he should have done.  If he needs papers for a meeting he will ask someone else to print them out even if he has time to do it himself.  He asks people to send emails for him, again he could do this himself and he won't arrange any meetings. He won't research information for himself (even if its in his email) and he forgets on purpose to do important tasks.  Not to mention he is rude to staff and clients.
This was annoying enough before but he wasn't my line manager so I could ignore (while supporting the other team members to stand up to him) however I have been assigned to assist him on an important project and I may have to kill him by the end of it.
Every day I have to remind him that I am not his secretary, that he can print things himself and that he should be making decisions.  Every day he comes out with some stupid notion that I then have to spend time correcting and I am currently not getting any of my normal work done as I am too busy sorting out the mistakes he has made, or working on the next random thing he throws my way.
Every day I get angrier and angrier and at some point I will lose my temper and tell him off.
I have come close and had to point out proper procedure on a number of occasions but have kept my temper so far.  The person who sits next to me is already sick of me ranting about this.
So if anyone actually reads this can you leave a tip for controlling my temper otherwise if you see a headline reading Council Worker Kills Manager that will be me

Quiet very quiet

Since I went no contact with my mother my life has become quiet, very quiet.  There are still some issues with my Big Sis but they don't seem to be as bad as they were whilst Mum was influencing us.  This has led me to have a rethink about what this blog is about. 
Rather than wait for the next episode in the Soap Opera to kick off I have decided to use this blog to talk about other things that affect me.  This may end up being completely boring and I will have no followers but that's the price of blogging.
I have therefore renamed my blog to my up and down life.
This will hopefully reflect the periods of my life were the family soap opera rules and the the quiet periods were I can be free to talk about what I like.  From news stories to my ongoing rants about people who annoy me.
New posts will be appearing soon so stay tuned

Mothers day and Snow

Sunday was Mothers day and as such the Twin and I were expecting some form of drama from the other mother.  Since we have both stopped speaking to her it has been quiet but she usually won't let that happen for too long before she pulls some sort of stunt to try and get us back into her control.  All day long we were on edge but nothing happened!  No texts, no messages to say I know we aren't speaking but you could have at least sent a card, no phone calls from Big Sis to say Mum was ill.  It was quite shocking. 
I know she is alive though because she posted on cousins facebook page - called her the wrong name too.
It got me thinking of mothers day's past.  When we were younger she would drop huge hints about mother's day.  We would make cards and things to give her but she expected to be spoiled the whole day.  Now I know you are supposed to spoil your mother on mothers day but the way our mum carried on about it, she seemed to expect much more than a normal kid would do for their mother.  Also if the slightest thing went wrong she would storm off to her bed in a huff after first telling us what a horrible family we were and how she did everything for us and was it too much to expect one day were we did something for her.  I even remember her being slightly annoyed when we would do something for our grand mothers on those days, because it was all supposed to be about her.
When we got older and after dad had left she got worse.  Now we were doing most of the housework and cooking but she insisted that she still did the majority of work.  She would then demand expensive presents for mothers day and god forbid if the card wasn't up to scratch.  I wouldn't have minded buying her a nice bunch of flowers and a box of sweets but that was never enough, she wanted CD's and books, kitchen equipment , perfume and things that cost much more than most people would spend for mothers day and if these things were bought she would then also expect the flowers and chocolate as well.
A couple years ago we stopped buying the expensive things and just bought the flowers and chocolate and there was always the feeling from her that this wasn't enough.
This year I am glad we didn't have to do anything and I am glad there was no drama but I don't think this is the end of it.
The other thing that happened was quite a lot of snow this weekend and that reminded me of some other things she used to do.  Whenever we had bad weather without fail we would get a text, usually quite saccharine, about how horrible it was and how careful we had to be.  Sounds nice doesn't it.  However this would always be followed up during the day with demands that we then brave the bad weather to get things for her.  So she wanted us to be careful and safe but only if it didn't interfere with her needs.  If we said no she would whine and plead and beg and talk in a baby voice till we gave in.  This was worse if there was a good reason for us not to go, for example the car had broken down or one of us was ill.  She would insist that we still had to do whatever errand she wanted us to do.  The annoying thing is that it was usually something that she could have arranged herself.  For example if she need a prescription picked up - the chemist delivers, if she needed shopping  - she could have arranged it online but she always waited till she was completely out before putting in an order so we would have to go.
So we would come out of a long day at work, get whatever it is she wanted and go to drop it off and then even though she knew we would be tired she would insist we stay to chat and then get offended when we wanted to go, of course before we could go we had to do 3 more things for her.  Usually all things she could have done herself.
But that is typical of mum and it was all about trying to control us and our lives.
So that's too areas of drama that I am relieved I don't have to deal with now we have cut her out but there are still danger areas to come.  Easter is at the end of the month and her mother is supposed to be coming for a visit and then its her birthday in August.  All perfect opportunities for a bit of trauma.

Team Meeting Drama

So I have had little family drama in my life for the last fortnight but just to compensate it seems like the drama at work is getting a little worse.
I am not going to say what I do or where I work because I would rather not get sacked but I am going to talk about things that are currently causing me stress.
The thing that did it today was my team meeting.  My team meets fortnightly and the majority of meetings are productive but can be long.  However occasionally we have a meeting that puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and today was one of those days.
We have a rota for minutes and who is chairing.  I set this up at the start of the year and the team are supposed to check to see who is down.  They never do and expect me to remind them.  I am not their secretary or their mother so I am now refusing to do this. Today the person who was supposed to be chairing didn't check the rota so didn't find out till just before the meeting.  This was apparently my fault for not telling them.  Next they forgot to bring minutes of the last meeting, which is the chairs responsibility, so the meeting was delayed while they went to get them.  Another member of the team had reminded them of this so there wasn't really an excuse.  So the meeting starts and although we have a set agenda the chair kept asking what was next.  I was starting to get grumpy by this point.
Through the entire meeting the chair then proceed to question every little thing that was said.  Now most of these things are ongoing work and the process and decisions have already been made so there isn't really any point having discussions but the person who is chairing has a habit of wanting to prove that they are morally superior to the rest of us and that they know the job better.  I personally got fed up of explaining things again and again and I am pretty sure other team members felt the same.
Next I raised something that had been agreed since the start of the year to give an update and a member of the team who is usually on my side started talking like they knew nothing about it and then tried to palm a lot of their work off on me as I knew about it.  It was sorted out but really annoyed me as I had been talking about it since before January and they all should have known about it.
Finally one member of the team repeatedly asked questions about things the rest of the team have known about for some time.  Now I know you are thinking well they should have been told, or maybe they didn't know but the annoying thing was there has been emails sent round about a lot of the things and we discussed the rest at the last team meeting which this person attended.
It just annoyed me as it made this person look bad and didn't really reflect well on the rest of the team.
Anyway it was a minor drama but I came out in a really bad mood and just wanted to shout at people. Its been a major effort for me not to snap and growl at everyone for the rest of the day.
I know I have anger issues ( I can go into rants that last for days and I do take my anger out on others that don't deserve it - I am trying to stop this) but team meetings like this just seem to wind me up more than usual.
I need to start thinking of ways to start off calm before going into a situation that I know will wind me up so it doesn't have so much of an effect on me.

relatively calm

So the last week has been quiet ( I realise I am tempting fate here).
Twin had one text from mum, supposedly forwarded from Nanny, trying to make her feel guilty.
We just ignored it and kept on.  Big Sis has been quiet - even gave suggestions for youngest child's birthday and Dad is still seeing other two kids without much hassle.
Twin is very stressed at work but took two days off this week to recover/ mitigate the stress and I am doing better myself. 
I had been drinking quite a look in the evenings and kept saying I was going to cut back because it was making me feel awful, yet I never managed it.  This week I did cut back.  Monday and Tuesday no drink at all and I felt so much better.  Last night, after a rubbish work day I did give in and have a bottle of wine.  Today the old feelings are back and I wish I never drank it.  However what is done is done. What would usually happen at this point in the past is that I would give up all my good resolutions for the rest of the week and say I will start again next week.
This week I am not going to let that happen.  I am determined to keep cutting back on the booze, not come off my healthy eating plan and get some more exercise.
The reason - the two days I didn't drink I felt great.  I got enough sleep, I felt positive, I managed to tackle a lot of things I had been putting off and I ate much better than I usually do.
This morning (after wine) I woke up tired, I felt sick, I was grumpy and angry and the last thing I wanted to do was work.  I much prefer the positive feelings.
So its back to the positive for me.

And the drama continues

Last week was pretty hectic at work and stressful with the situation between Big Sis and Dad so I was looking forward to a nice weekend. I almost got away with it too (if it weren't for those meddling kids and their dog!),
Actually started out well.  Went out for a couple of drinks after work, had a lovely time but didn't get drunk and came home at a reasonable hour.  Managed to get up in time to go to the farmers market and the library.  Went to the cinema, Wreck it Ralph was very good, and another nice evening in.
On Sunday Big Sis's two oldest came through with dad.  They had their dad's permission but Big Sis didn't know,knew it would cause some trouble but actually didn't care.  Twin and I saw them for lunch and then she went off to see Mum while I stayed to play.  I had a really good time and we were joined by out adopted nieces too so it was lots of fun.  Twin however was not having fun.
Twin was at Mum's for ages well over an hour and a half.  Mum spent the entire time haranguing twin about how dad was to blame for everything in mums life and how horrible he treated her and how he beat us and her up.  She did make a few things up here.  And then she said she still loved him.  Bear in mind they have been divorced for over 20 years. Then Twin got every detail of mum's supposed illness, even though she didn't want to know.  Including how she was never manic and probably not even depressed. Then it was all about how Big Sis was right about everything and Dad and us were wrong.  Twin was going to lose it at this point because mum wouldn't even accept her point of view but she had to leave then if she wanted to see all the kids before they went home.
When she arrived at dads Twin was upset but kept it together for the kids.  When she told me I was really angry but again kept calm so the kids wouldn't see.  At this point mum phoned dad about the big sis situation even though Twin had begged her not too.  Dad didn't answer the call and later deleted the message.
Later when we were at home and had finally relaxed for the evening Twin gets a phone from mum.  She is coughing up blood.  Twin dashes out to get her to the hospital.  Now before anyone panics there wasn't anything wrong. She had a nosebleed earlier and that's when she coughed up the blood - quite clearly it was from that.  While Twin is round at Mum's I get a call from Dad.  Mum has left a message on his answerphone again, saying she knows the kids were here and that Twin had lied to her  Dad had phoned to warn us about retaliation.
It becomes clear this is what the hospital drama is all about.  This is Twin's punishment for daring to disagree with her and for not telling her about the kids.  I text twin but she is now stuck going to the hospital with mum.
When Twin gets there the ambulance men are clearly sick of her and the doctors and nurses don't know what to do with her.  Twin has to hang around for hours, mostly because mum won't let her go home.  She doesn't get in till near 11 and is so tense she can't relax.  Neither of us sleep well and we don't go to work today.  The whole day is spent waiting for news about mum.
I do a lot of house work because I half to do something.  Mum doesn't even bother to let twin know what ward she is in or anything.  Finally about 4 Twin gets a text Mum can leave can Twin come and get her.  Again no details about where in the hospital she is.
Twin is now off to collect her and bring her home.   Looks like there isn't a damn thing wrong with her.  If you ask me this was all a big ploy to get attention and to punish Twin.  If it was me I would drop her at her door and tell her to go to hell but Twin is much nicer than I am.
The thing that really annoys me through is through the whole thing Big Sis hasn't been a bit supportive and just spent a lot of time having a go at Twin.  Twin did tell her to eff off at one point but its like water off a ducks back.
I hope Twin makes it home soon without having to kill Mum 

My sister breaks my fathers heart

So as I mentioned before Big Sis has major issues with Dad - they revolve around things that happened when we were growing up and she has never managed to get over it and move on.
This resulted in her stopping two of her kids, who live with their father, going on the trip of a lifetime to Disney World with Dad and his girlfriend and her family.  Now Big Sis has decided that these two kids can no longer stay overnight with Dad.  She has blackmailed her ex husband into agreeing with this.  Knowing Big Sis she probably threatened to take the kids away from their father if he didn't agree. Big Sis is extremely manipulative and controlling and would stoop to just about anything to get her own way.
Dad found out yesterday from the kids father.  The kids father didn't want to do this but he is terrified of what Big Sis will do and feels he has no choice.  Dad understands this but is devastated.  He loves those kids and would never do anything to hurt them but he is being punished because Big Sis can't stand that he has a better relationship with them than she has.
Apparently after seeing the kids on Monday (which he does every week) Dad came home and spent all Tuesday in bed.  His girlfriend is worried about him and so are Twin and myself. 
I am furious with big sis.  After everything that Dad did for her when she was drinking and everything that he does for those children this is how she repays him.  Dad is now scared to argue with her in case she stops him seeing the kids at all.
She hasn't been in touch with Twin or me yet but when she does she will get an earful. Not that it would make any difference.  
When we found out last night my reaction was anger I wanted to go up to Dundee and punch her.  Twin was really upset and burst into tears.  Big Sis is so lucky to have those kids and family support yet she doesn't appreciate it.  She treats all her kids like property and will exclude or ignore anyone who has a good relationship or who her kids show any preference for.  She even told me once that her kids were none of my business, cause I am just their Aunt.
My major problem with the whole thing is that Dad has never once put those kids in danger, the only person that has is big sis.
She was the one that choose to keep drinking and not get help when it was needed.
She was the one that choose to abandon her children and move to Dundee knowing that she wouldn't see them as often.
She showed up drunk to important events in their lives or choose not to see them at all after raising their hopes. 
She doesn't contribute to their upbringing despite that fact she is their mother.
She emotionally manipulates them and that is going to cause them problems in later life.
She has already told the boy that when he comes to stay with her he will have his own room. She is clearly going to go for custody despite not having the resources to support them.  If she takes them to Dundee we will probably never see them again.  I have already decided to support her ex husband if it comes down to that.  I would stand against her and give evidence that she is an unfit mother if needed.
In contrast Dad contributes to their upbringing. Dad was the one that bought big sis a house in the village where they live so she could see them.  Dad shielded them from the worst of their mothers behaviour and Dad was the one that dealt the most with Big Sis and tried to get her help but Big Sis conveniently forgets that.
I also suspect that my mother is behind some of this.  She had been having a right go at dad before she got sick and has probably been spewing venom about him to big sis and encouraging her to go ahead with this.  She is out of the hospital after having her gall bladder removed and has already started making demands on Twins time. She has also conveniently forgotten the reasons for the fight and what she said to me.  Usual rubbish she either denies it happened or doesn't remember so doesn't have to deal with it and just expects me to cave, which isn't going to happen.
Twin is speaking to her today and is going to ask her about the situation with big sis.  If mum says she agrees or has been helping her make the decision Twin is going to stop all contact. 
Looks like major family strife for the future